Express Your Anger Constructively

Anger is a natural emotion, and suppressing it is not always a good idea. It is much better to recognise it and use it to your advantage, rather than ignoring or denying it. Rightful anger can even be beneficial. Anger is a message: it tells you that there is something wrong, for instance, there might be an injustice like someone being bullied. Or there might be something that's not working in your life.

Sometimes anger is justified, like when someone is hurting you or your loved one, or even an innocent stranger. Allow the wave of anger to rise and subside and listen to what is underneath. Anger can be an expression of emotional pain, which has different origins, such as insecurity, jealousy, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety or just a general discomfort due to exhaustion, thirst, hunger or a need to be in soothing environment, doing something meaningful. Sometimes anger is close to fear as you're scared you might not obtain what you want, or that things might be taken away from you.

Anger may be a catalyst for change. It may work as a trigger towards making a decision, like making efforts to move from a place where it hurts to a more favourable position. Anger can give you the incentive and energy to turn your life around! This kind of anger is productive and helpful.

But anger can have a negative impact if it hurst you or others. In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I encourage you to reflect on your anger and become aware of it, so you can let go of it and master your reactions. While it is good to express your feelings, you need to do it in a calm and mature way, without accusing the other person. Just tell them how you feel and why. 

Anger becomes a problem when it spirals out of control. Extreme angry outbursts may go hand in hand with verbal and/or physical abuse. When anger takes possession of you, it's time to do something about it. Figure out what triggers it, what emotions are attached to it. What do you fear? What hurts you the most? It could be your spouse ignoring you, giving you the "cold shoulder" or your teenage kids leaving the kitchen in a mess. Anger is often due to frustration, when you don't get what you want, or when people don't behave the way you expect them to.

When overcome with fury, detach yourself from the situation and become an observer. Monitor what's going on inside of you. Instead of reacting, you can choose to freeze, which means not doing anything. You can leave the room and even the house for a short while. This allows you to cool down and to recognise that there is no need to lose your temper. Whatever it is, you can talk it over reasonably, when everyone has come to their senses. There are better alternatives to an angry outburst, and you don't want to regret what you've said or done later on.

Instead of waiting to explode, prepare yourself. Practice in your mind what you will do next time you're confronted with a situation that is likely to provoke your rage. Rehearse what you will say and do, instead of being taken by surprise. Remember what happened last time when you lost your temper! Remember how you reacted, how your heart beat faster, how hot and tense you felt. Remember the hurtful things you blurted out, and decide on a better course of action. Imagine yourself taking a deep breath and carefully choosing your words. Imagine yourself stopping and thinking and observing the situation from a distance. Within no time, the tornado will dissipate and serenity will return to your mind and body.

With all my love,

Bella

"Volcano": abstract finger painting by George Hunter, contemporary English self-taught artist. 

Establish Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships

"Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose" - Deborah Day

"Boundaries aren't all bad. That's why there are walls around mental institutions." - Peggy Noonan

Is it possible to be too understanding and too forgiving? Of course it is. Too much leniency can backfire, as you allow others to encroach on your rights. And once you open the door and allow them to go too far, it's hard to close it again. You've set a precedent by giving them permission to take advantage of you. But it's never too late too put your foot down...

Even though you may love this person very much and want to see them happy, you need to remember that you're important too. Your freedom, happiness and peace of mind are essential to your living a joyful life on this planet. You've got rights, just like every other human being. You're not second best or third best.  You're not here to be in the background. Instead of hiding, take your place on life's centre stage!

When you stick up for yourself and insist that your needs be met - without being demanding or aggressive - you establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. This is looking after yourself, after your own wellbeing. It's important that you feel good if you want to look after others.

If you don't put yourself first, you will exhaust yourself. You will burn out and won't have much to give any more. After all, what is love but a positive, uplifting, healing energy that everyone around you benefits from.

Remember: YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHERS, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. This is the hardest lesson in life, but when it is mastered, it can create miracles.

With love,

Bella

Painting: "Hollyhocks" by Beverly Fagan Gilbertson, United States.

LET IT GO

"Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order" - Dr. Anne Wilson Schaef

Why can't you be happy just the way you are? Why do you feel the need to improve yourself all the time? Does it really matter who you are and what you're doing and what you will achieve in the future? Can't you simply appreciate the human being you are, without any labels attached? Can't you simply appreciate the miracle that you're here right now? Do you believe that you need to be doing something all the time in order to feel worthy?

Wouldn't it be nice if you woke up one morning and said to yourself: "Today it doesn't matter if I don't get a lot done, if I don't progress towards my goals. Actually, it doesn't matter if I don't get anything done at all. Living, breathing and listening to my own heart beating is an achievement in itself!"

Maybe you can do what you need to do, and still be yourself. For once, put stress aside. Usually you feel under pressure all the time, because you set yourself too many objectives, and plan too many tasks. You expect too much of yourself and become overwhelmed. Depression means that something is pressing down on you, and most of the time, you're doing it to yourself; it's self-inflicted! 

Relentlessly, you allow the urge to impress yourself and others to rule you. You allow this need to take over, and you do everything you can to prove that you're better, smarter, more disciplined, more in control of your life. But the harder you struggle and strive towards your goals, the less you seem to be able to attain them. The more you sweat and grit your teeth, the more things seem to drift out of reach.

Surrender and abandon the need to change yourself. Instead, start embracing your real self. You can become who you truly are instead of trying so hard to turn into someone else. Someone more efficient, more successful, more diet-conscious, more physically active, more attractive, more witty, more creative, more passionate, more motivated, more enthusiastic, more energetic, more organised etc. 

LET IT GO. Real change happens once you accept who you really are, instead of rejecting and fighting against your innate personality. Humility is a sign of strength, and it comes from accepting and loving yourself, not because you're perfect, but in spite of the fact that you're an imperfect human being, just like everyone else!

With love,

Bella

Painting: "Avond Evening, Red Tree" by Piet Mondrian

How to Forget Something or Someone

"To forgive is wisdom, to forget is genius. And easier. Because it's true. It's a new world every heart beat." - Joyce Cary, The Horse's Mouth

To stop thinking about something or someone may seem like a tall order, especially when you're in the middle of a crisis like ill health, job loss or separation. How to do it may seem difficult, but there is an easy and straightforward way to go about it. Putting this simple strategy into practice however takes commitment and some practice.

Whenever you find yourself thinking about something unpleasant, something in your life that bothers you, or a person you would like to get out of your mind, gently but firmly direct your thoughts away from it and towards something or someone that makes you feel better.

Do this repeatedly and consistently, whenever an unwanted thought pops up in your mind. Over time this strategy will become automatic. And when something becomes a habit, it requires less and less effort, as I explain in my book, "The Magic of Willpower". In the beginning you might struggle but after a while it will become natural: this way of thinking will become a part of you. You will apply it to other situations, like when you worry too much, or when you're stuck in a negative thinking pattern.

The thought in itself is not a problem. The real problem is the tendency we have as human being to feel sorry for ourselves, and wanting other people to feel sorry for us too. It's almost as if we get a warped sense of satisfaction from it! Feeling bad can be addictive in a crazy sort of way, but it won't help us move forward. The problem is still there, and we won't resolve it by dwelling on it. We need to let it go, no matter what.

Do you want to embark on an endless cycle of thinking about something or someone you want to forget? Once you understand how useless it is to hold onto painful memories and feelings, you can start choosing thoughts that are not so painful, and that give you a sense of hope and relief. Choose something that feels a bit better, like "I have family and friends who will helps me and give me moral support", "There will be a solution to my money problem", "Children are resilient and they will adjust to it."

You may be caught in a difficult situation, but you are free to choose thoughts that are positive and encouraging. Forgetting someone is not easy, but you can do it by shifting your attention to something else. Focus on improving your life, on making the most out of what you've got rather than what you've lost. Distract yourself with meaningful and joyful activities. Put all your attention on the present moment, without drifting into the past or future. 

With loving thoughts,

Bella

Painting: "Forger Me Not" by Derick Burleson, Alaska, 2010

Willpower is Inner Mastery

"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." - Brian Tracy

"All the days of the afflicted are bad but a cheerful heart has a continual feast." - Proverb 15:15

Your circumstances do not define you; it's the way you react to them that reflects who you are. You can decide to be cheerful at heart, or you can decide to feel miserable and downtrodden. You can choose to play an active role in your destiny. How? By selecting your thoughts - and ultimately, your emotions.

You're not at the mercy of your feelings, like a helpless prisoner, but you are the active participant in the inner turmoil that seems to overwhelm you at times. You can allow chaos to take over, or you can create order and harmony, by looking at the big picture, and refusing to become discouraged.

The more you dwell on a problem, the bigger it becomes, and the more helpless you feel. The problem itself doesn't cause your frustration; it's the fact that you keep worrying and obsessing about it. Put your problem aside for a while, and just concentrate on the present moment, finding pleasure in what's happening now, rather than being stuck in the past or the future. While you take your mind off a question, your subconscious will keep working on it, without you having to do anything about it. The answer will usually come to you when you expect it the least.

"A cheerful heart has a continuous feast", because no matter what's happening, you won't be affected by it, at least not in a way that will throw you off balance. Inner joy is mastery, and it is up to you to cultivate it. Negative thoughts tend to pop up in your mind in the absence of anything else. In my book, "The Magic of Willpower", I explain that the mind abhors a vacuum, and the trick is to fill it with positive thoughts, leaving no room for anything else. Darkness is just the absence of light: there is no dark switch when you enter a room.

You can shine a light on your thoughts and guide yourself with empowering statements, like "I can do this." Without being in denial about your problems, you can focus on what is good in your life, on all the areas in which you're doing well. Congratulate yourself for your achievements, even though they may seem small. The smallest progress or improvement can be an opportunity to rejoice. Without any hurdles, you wouldn't learn and you wouldn't grow as a human being.  In the end you can allow obstacles to drag you down, or you can allow them to lift you up.

With love,

Bella

Painting: "The Old Bridge" by Guy Rose, 1910, France

Who do you want to be?

"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." - Aldous Huxley

Who exactly do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? What are your personal ideals? Is there someone you admire? What are the special traits of this person that you would like to make your own? It's time to stop being vague. If you wish to be an extraordinary person, if you wish to be wise and successful, begin by identifying the kind of person you aspire to become. Be specific. If you have a diary, write down who you're striving to be, so that you can refer to this self-definition. Precisely describe the kind of thoughts and behaviour you would like to adopt, so that you can preserve these when you're by yourself or in the company of other people.

In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I recommend that you examine yourself thoroughly, to find out what your values are, what's important to you, and to live according to these guidelines. For instance, if compassion and generosity are essential in your eyes, make sure your actions reflect this part of your personality. If you do something over and over, it becomes a habit, a part of you, just like the clothes you wear. Make it a habit to live according to your own ideals and principles, and you will be at peace with yourself.

With love,

Bella

Painting by Yayoi Kusama, 1988, Japan

Be Happy Now!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
"But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?" - Albert Camus.

Happiness is everything, and you need to extract it from every moment of your life! Infuse it with all the joy that you can conjure up, no matter where you are and what you're doing...

Set your self a goal: it will give your life purpose and direction. Imagine arriving at your desired destination after a long and often difficult journey. At the end, you will reap the rewards for your efforts. But in the meantime, you can feel happiness too. You can enjoy the road you're taking, what I call the "process" in my book, "The Magic of Willpower". If you can find pleasure in the steps you're taking towards your dream, you're halfway there! 

Be happy now. Don't wait until you have more money, or a new job, or you've met that special person, or your illness goes away... 

Sometimes bad things happen to you. You feel sad; you feel the need to grieve - and that's okay. Accept it as a part of your journey. 

How you feel in this moment is up to you. It's your choice. You can choose to be happy, even though the world around you seems to be crumbling. Joy is a gift you can create for yourself. Take charge of your feelings; take charge of your happiness - as from today.

Seek the light instead of the shadows... Seek the sunshine, even if it rains. Look at the rainbow in the sky.

Seek the invincible summer inside of you. 

Treasure your happiness. And above all, share it with others!

With love,

Bella

Painting: "Paysage colore aux oiseaux aquatiques" by Jean Metzinger, 1907, France