Anger is not a disease. Anger is energy. It's a natural and healthy expression of an emotional reaction to a situation. It often leads to actions that promote a sense of relief. A physical outlet is appropriate as long as no one gets hurt (for instance, it's good to exercise when you feel upset as it calms you down and helps you think more clearly). Anger can help you defend yourself or your loved ones if you are threatened or attacked. It is also a normal reaction when you witness an injustice (for instance, a big bully beating up on a smaller, weaker person). Just like pain or fear, anger is a danger signal, an alarm bell. It's a warning sign that something is not right.
Anger in itself is not bad; it's a self-preservation mechanism. It only becomes problematic when it is inappropriate, misdirected or exaggerated. The individual who is angry - seemingly without reason - is often angry with himself, so he finds all kinds of things to find fault with in his environment or in the people around him. Anger then is like a chronic condition and causes a lot of pain to this person and his loved ones. Anger can be the expression of an unmet need - and in this case it's useful to find out what is underneath the outburst. When anger takes over and takes control of the individual, it's already too late because reasoning has no impact on that person any more.
Inappropriate anger can lead to violence, not just in the physical sense - emotional abuse is just as harmful as hitting someone. There might not be as much evidence, but the scars are just as deep. What may cause violence is a feeling of powerlessness, of being overwhelmed by too many demands. In the past, women and men had strictly defined roles in society. The man was the breadwinner, and the woman looked after the children and the home. Nowadays these roles are not so well defined, and the lines are blurred between what should be a man's or a woman's responsibility. This is stressful - especially for a man who might be scared of not being able to meet societies expectations. Today it is unrealistic to survive on a single wage, and this means that both men and women have multiple roles. A man fears losing respect by not being able to provide for his family - he may also fear not being "manly" enough. He may fear losing face, being put down or humiliated. His need for admiration and respect is very strong, while a woman's need for unconditional love and appreciation is just as prevailing.
At the root of anger is our fear of being helpless, of being exposed and ridiculed, of not being acknowledged and appreciated, of not being good enough, of not being able to measure up, of being ignored, neglected or unloved. We are scared of not getting what we want or losing what we've got. We fear not having any control over a person or a situation. Anger is a step up from depression and despair, as it gives us a sense of relief. So it can be beneficial for a depressed person to express anger, as long as it is part of the overall process of moving towards a more functional life.
What can we do to prevent anger or to defuse it? In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I explain that we need to look inside and analyse our emotions. We need to become aware of our thought processes and acknowledge them without acting on them. We need to take control of our anger instead of allowing it to control us. When you become a conscious observer of your own self, you will be less likely to be at the mercy of your emotions and behaviour. You will also be less likely to react to someone else's anger. Reacting to anger with anger only makes it worse. But to react to it with understanding and kindness will put a stop to it. Avoid heated discussions. If you need to have a serious talk, do it when you're calm and open to what the other person is saying.
Anger is not a problem in itself, but the way you handle it can be detrimental to yourself and to others. The more you give in to it, the more it will become a destructive habit as you fall into its trap over and over again. It will become an entity of its own, and will grow stronger every time you face a certain situation or every time you have an argument. But if you don't feed it and don't allow it to grow and to have power over you, it will weaken its hold and eventually, you will find that you won't get angry any more, at least not in the sense of losing your temper and losing control over your words and actions.
If you want to change the way you handle anger, feel it but don't react to it. Begin today and you will see a big improvement in your life.
With all my love,
Bella
Painting; "The Ninth Wave" by Ivan Aivazovsky, 1850 (Wikipaintings)
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