Willpower is the Power of Endurance

"Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes." - Buddha

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory." - William Barclay (Scottish author, 1907 - 1978)

Sometimes you wish you could make your problems disappear, simply by waving a magic wand. This is why I chose "The Magic of Willpower" as the title for my book, as I had this vision of difficulties magically disappearing. And it is possible, if you develop self-discipline an endurance. It may not happen instantly but eventually, you will reap the results for your dedication. 

Sometimes you believe that the only way to be happy is to get rid of what is bothering your: whether it be a demanding boss, a domineering spouse, an invasive adult child at home, an obnoxious neighbour, a destructive puppy your children forced you to adopt, gloomy weather, or hopeless politicians...

But you didn't come into this life to have everything nice right away. You didn't come to have sunshine, lollipops and roses every day. You came to endure and make the best out of what you've got now.  If you manage to maintain a positive attitude in the midst of trouble, without losing your serenity, you've achieved more than you can hope for. 

Once you acquire the ability to control your thoughts (I explain how to do this in my book, "The Magic of Willpower"), your actions and words will follow and be in harmony with them. To your own surprise, you will experience a deep calm in the midst of turmoil, and become an observer. You won't lose your inner composure, which will allow you to be confident and overcome many obstacles.

Cultivating a patient and cheerful attitude will give you strength and courage. You won't be tempted to become upset, or to lose your temper and do things you might regret later. You won't be tempted to give up, because you know that the ultimate reward is what you've gained on the inside: sanity and peace of mind. You won't become agitated and fearful as soon as things threaten to go wrong. Instead, you will be equipped with the tools to deal with setbacks and crisis.

You don't know what life has in store for you. There are fabulous moments and not-so-fabulous ones! If you concentrate on your inner path, without losing your focus, you'll be able to ignore things that are unimportant, like someone who disagrees with you. You're not here to convince other that you're right and that they're wrong. You're here to endure what happens with steadfastness, and a general disposition to expect the best in all things. 

With all my love,

Bella

Painting: "Lavender Lotus Flower" by Mon Fagtanac, contemporary artist, San Juan, Luzon, Philippines.

Express Your Anger Constructively

Anger is a natural emotion, and suppressing it is not always a good idea. It is much better to recognise it and use it to your advantage, rather than ignoring or denying it. Rightful anger can even be beneficial. Anger is a message: it tells you that there is something wrong, for instance, there might be an injustice like someone being bullied. Or there might be something that's not working in your life.

Sometimes anger is justified, like when someone is hurting you or your loved one, or even an innocent stranger. Allow the wave of anger to rise and subside and listen to what is underneath. Anger can be an expression of emotional pain, which has different origins, such as insecurity, jealousy, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety or just a general discomfort due to exhaustion, thirst, hunger or a need to be in soothing environment, doing something meaningful. Sometimes anger is close to fear as you're scared you might not obtain what you want, or that things might be taken away from you.

Anger may be a catalyst for change. It may work as a trigger towards making a decision, like making efforts to move from a place where it hurts to a more favourable position. Anger can give you the incentive and energy to turn your life around! This kind of anger is productive and helpful.

But anger can have a negative impact if it hurst you or others. In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I encourage you to reflect on your anger and become aware of it, so you can let go of it and master your reactions. While it is good to express your feelings, you need to do it in a calm and mature way, without accusing the other person. Just tell them how you feel and why. 

Anger becomes a problem when it spirals out of control. Extreme angry outbursts may go hand in hand with verbal and/or physical abuse. When anger takes possession of you, it's time to do something about it. Figure out what triggers it, what emotions are attached to it. What do you fear? What hurts you the most? It could be your spouse ignoring you, giving you the "cold shoulder" or your teenage kids leaving the kitchen in a mess. Anger is often due to frustration, when you don't get what you want, or when people don't behave the way you expect them to.

When overcome with fury, detach yourself from the situation and become an observer. Monitor what's going on inside of you. Instead of reacting, you can choose to freeze, which means not doing anything. You can leave the room and even the house for a short while. This allows you to cool down and to recognise that there is no need to lose your temper. Whatever it is, you can talk it over reasonably, when everyone has come to their senses. There are better alternatives to an angry outburst, and you don't want to regret what you've said or done later on.

Instead of waiting to explode, prepare yourself. Practice in your mind what you will do next time you're confronted with a situation that is likely to provoke your rage. Rehearse what you will say and do, instead of being taken by surprise. Remember what happened last time when you lost your temper! Remember how you reacted, how your heart beat faster, how hot and tense you felt. Remember the hurtful things you blurted out, and decide on a better course of action. Imagine yourself taking a deep breath and carefully choosing your words. Imagine yourself stopping and thinking and observing the situation from a distance. Within no time, the tornado will dissipate and serenity will return to your mind and body.

With all my love,

Bella

"Volcano": abstract finger painting by George Hunter, contemporary English self-taught artist. 

Establish Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships

"Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose" - Deborah Day

"Boundaries aren't all bad. That's why there are walls around mental institutions." - Peggy Noonan

Is it possible to be too understanding and too forgiving? Of course it is. Too much leniency can backfire, as you allow others to encroach on your rights. And once you open the door and allow them to go too far, it's hard to close it again. You've set a precedent by giving them permission to take advantage of you. But it's never too late too put your foot down...

Even though you may love this person very much and want to see them happy, you need to remember that you're important too. Your freedom, happiness and peace of mind are essential to your living a joyful life on this planet. You've got rights, just like every other human being. You're not second best or third best.  You're not here to be in the background. Instead of hiding, take your place on life's centre stage!

When you stick up for yourself and insist that your needs be met - without being demanding or aggressive - you establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. This is looking after yourself, after your own wellbeing. It's important that you feel good if you want to look after others.

If you don't put yourself first, you will exhaust yourself. You will burn out and won't have much to give any more. After all, what is love but a positive, uplifting, healing energy that everyone around you benefits from.

Remember: YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHERS, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. This is the hardest lesson in life, but when it is mastered, it can create miracles.

With love,

Bella

Painting: "Hollyhocks" by Beverly Fagan Gilbertson, United States.

LET IT GO

"Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order" - Dr. Anne Wilson Schaef

Why can't you be happy just the way you are? Why do you feel the need to improve yourself all the time? Does it really matter who you are and what you're doing and what you will achieve in the future? Can't you simply appreciate the human being you are, without any labels attached? Can't you simply appreciate the miracle that you're here right now? Do you believe that you need to be doing something all the time in order to feel worthy?

Wouldn't it be nice if you woke up one morning and said to yourself: "Today it doesn't matter if I don't get a lot done, if I don't progress towards my goals. Actually, it doesn't matter if I don't get anything done at all. Living, breathing and listening to my own heart beating is an achievement in itself!"

Maybe you can do what you need to do, and still be yourself. For once, put stress aside. Usually you feel under pressure all the time, because you set yourself too many objectives, and plan too many tasks. You expect too much of yourself and become overwhelmed. Depression means that something is pressing down on you, and most of the time, you're doing it to yourself; it's self-inflicted! 

Relentlessly, you allow the urge to impress yourself and others to rule you. You allow this need to take over, and you do everything you can to prove that you're better, smarter, more disciplined, more in control of your life. But the harder you struggle and strive towards your goals, the less you seem to be able to attain them. The more you sweat and grit your teeth, the more things seem to drift out of reach.

Surrender and abandon the need to change yourself. Instead, start embracing your real self. You can become who you truly are instead of trying so hard to turn into someone else. Someone more efficient, more successful, more diet-conscious, more physically active, more attractive, more witty, more creative, more passionate, more motivated, more enthusiastic, more energetic, more organised etc. 

LET IT GO. Real change happens once you accept who you really are, instead of rejecting and fighting against your innate personality. Humility is a sign of strength, and it comes from accepting and loving yourself, not because you're perfect, but in spite of the fact that you're an imperfect human being, just like everyone else!

With love,

Bella

Painting: "Avond Evening, Red Tree" by Piet Mondrian

How to Forget Something or Someone

"To forgive is wisdom, to forget is genius. And easier. Because it's true. It's a new world every heart beat." - Joyce Cary, The Horse's Mouth

To stop thinking about something or someone may seem like a tall order, especially when you're in the middle of a crisis like ill health, job loss or separation. How to do it may seem difficult, but there is an easy and straightforward way to go about it. Putting this simple strategy into practice however takes commitment and some practice.

Whenever you find yourself thinking about something unpleasant, something in your life that bothers you, or a person you would like to get out of your mind, gently but firmly direct your thoughts away from it and towards something or someone that makes you feel better.

Do this repeatedly and consistently, whenever an unwanted thought pops up in your mind. Over time this strategy will become automatic. And when something becomes a habit, it requires less and less effort, as I explain in my book, "The Magic of Willpower". In the beginning you might struggle but after a while it will become natural: this way of thinking will become a part of you. You will apply it to other situations, like when you worry too much, or when you're stuck in a negative thinking pattern.

The thought in itself is not a problem. The real problem is the tendency we have as human being to feel sorry for ourselves, and wanting other people to feel sorry for us too. It's almost as if we get a warped sense of satisfaction from it! Feeling bad can be addictive in a crazy sort of way, but it won't help us move forward. The problem is still there, and we won't resolve it by dwelling on it. We need to let it go, no matter what.

Do you want to embark on an endless cycle of thinking about something or someone you want to forget? Once you understand how useless it is to hold onto painful memories and feelings, you can start choosing thoughts that are not so painful, and that give you a sense of hope and relief. Choose something that feels a bit better, like "I have family and friends who will helps me and give me moral support", "There will be a solution to my money problem", "Children are resilient and they will adjust to it."

You may be caught in a difficult situation, but you are free to choose thoughts that are positive and encouraging. Forgetting someone is not easy, but you can do it by shifting your attention to something else. Focus on improving your life, on making the most out of what you've got rather than what you've lost. Distract yourself with meaningful and joyful activities. Put all your attention on the present moment, without drifting into the past or future. 

With loving thoughts,

Bella

Painting: "Forger Me Not" by Derick Burleson, Alaska, 2010