Express Your Anger Constructively

Anger is a natural emotion, and suppressing it is not always a good idea. It is much better to recognise it and use it to your advantage, rather than ignoring or denying it. Rightful anger can even be beneficial. Anger is a message: it tells you that there is something wrong, for instance, there might be an injustice like someone being bullied. Or there might be something that's not working in your life.

Sometimes anger is justified, like when someone is hurting you or your loved one, or even an innocent stranger. Allow the wave of anger to rise and subside and listen to what is underneath. Anger can be an expression of emotional pain, which has different origins, such as insecurity, jealousy, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety or just a general discomfort due to exhaustion, thirst, hunger or a need to be in soothing environment, doing something meaningful. Sometimes anger is close to fear as you're scared you might not obtain what you want, or that things might be taken away from you.

Anger may be a catalyst for change. It may work as a trigger towards making a decision, like making efforts to move from a place where it hurts to a more favourable position. Anger can give you the incentive and energy to turn your life around! This kind of anger is productive and helpful.

But anger can have a negative impact if it hurst you or others. In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I encourage you to reflect on your anger and become aware of it, so you can let go of it and master your reactions. While it is good to express your feelings, you need to do it in a calm and mature way, without accusing the other person. Just tell them how you feel and why. 

Anger becomes a problem when it spirals out of control. Extreme angry outbursts may go hand in hand with verbal and/or physical abuse. When anger takes possession of you, it's time to do something about it. Figure out what triggers it, what emotions are attached to it. What do you fear? What hurts you the most? It could be your spouse ignoring you, giving you the "cold shoulder" or your teenage kids leaving the kitchen in a mess. Anger is often due to frustration, when you don't get what you want, or when people don't behave the way you expect them to.

When overcome with fury, detach yourself from the situation and become an observer. Monitor what's going on inside of you. Instead of reacting, you can choose to freeze, which means not doing anything. You can leave the room and even the house for a short while. This allows you to cool down and to recognise that there is no need to lose your temper. Whatever it is, you can talk it over reasonably, when everyone has come to their senses. There are better alternatives to an angry outburst, and you don't want to regret what you've said or done later on.

Instead of waiting to explode, prepare yourself. Practice in your mind what you will do next time you're confronted with a situation that is likely to provoke your rage. Rehearse what you will say and do, instead of being taken by surprise. Remember what happened last time when you lost your temper! Remember how you reacted, how your heart beat faster, how hot and tense you felt. Remember the hurtful things you blurted out, and decide on a better course of action. Imagine yourself taking a deep breath and carefully choosing your words. Imagine yourself stopping and thinking and observing the situation from a distance. Within no time, the tornado will dissipate and serenity will return to your mind and body.

With all my love,

Bella

"Volcano": abstract finger painting by George Hunter, contemporary English self-taught artist.