The Difference between Tolerance and Acceptance

Tolerating is not the same as accepting. When you're tolerating something, you submit to it in a way, while still resisting or rejecting it. You don't do anything about it now, meaning to do something about it later, when you have the opportunity. You keep it at the back of your mind. You want to retaliate but you know you can't do it at the moment, so you postpone your "revenge".  When you tolerate something, you submit to a reality that you dislike, that you find upsetting. You may accept it consciously, but not unconsciously. You may accept at a practical level that you cannot beat your circumstances, but lurking in your subconscious is the thought, "My time will come..."

This is not acceptance. You're still wrestling; the struggle is going on. It's a temporary reprieve, but underneath the superficial yielding, the tension continues. It's only when the ability to fully accept reaches the subconscious level, when there is no battle any more, no resistance whatsoever, that there is a real sense of relief, a lasting peace. It's only when you relax and let go of whatever is bothering you that you will finally experience true freedom. Why choose a rocky road when you can walk a smooth path, without strain and conflict?

With much love,

Bella

Painting: "Autumn Landscape" by Isaac Levitan, 1894

When You get Blamed for Everything

You have only one person's blame to carry, and that is your own. If you get blamed for someone else's problems, you don't have to accept that blame, you don't have to take it to heart. But you don't need to defend yourself either, because it would only lead to senseless arguments. Sometimes people blame you because they need to unload painful emotions onto you. They feel guilty about something, but instead of dealing with this painful feeling, they prefer to turn it into anger and throw accusations at you. How do you react to this kind of attack?  To retaliate with hurtful words is like throwing fuel into a fire. "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"... Unless you allow them to do so.  If you could put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel this person's inner turmoil and remorse, you would think twice before lashing out with vengeful words.

When someone tells you off, it's normal to feel bad. It's not very encouraging to hear criticism. But to react to it in a negative way is even worse. If you know your value as a human being, you won't be affected by someone else's careless words. You won't allow this person to have power over you and your emotions. 

I won't allow anyone to upset me. I am a responsible adult and I can examine my own conscious. If I need to improve in any area I will be aware of it. Therefore, I don't need to accept blame for another person's irrational actions, no matter how convincing this person may sound. I can deal with my own defects in an honest and fearless way. But in the meantime, the balance has to be right. I can't take on the weight of what others have done. When I deal with what is mine, I can let go of another person's blame, as I realise it has nothing to do with me. I am free to live my life without anyone poisoning me...

Love yourself - you deserve it!

Bella

Painting: "While this Beast Drinks Poison, a Snake Sucks His Blood" by Maria Primachenko, 1982

A Joyful Heart in Times of Trouble

"A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken." Proverbs 15:13

"If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!" - Proverbs 24:10

Peace is not a brief moment of elation or relief. It is a long-lasting attitude, a commitment that you will remain positive even in the midst of trouble. Life goes up and down. There are times of abundance, and times of abasement. There is pleasure, and there is pain. A life without problems may seem perfect in your eyes, but is it really? What would you learn if you didn't have to overcome any hurdles? What would you learn if everything was always smooth and easy?

You become annoyed, frustrated, angry, depressed and even desperate at times... You become anxious and worry over things that you cannot change and you feel helpless, powerless. You wish you had more control over your circumstances. You wish you could erase all difficulties from your life. But obstacles make you wiser and more mature. They teach you patience and perseverance. They forge your character and add to your inner strength and fortitude.

You fight, you struggle... There is a war going on inside you, and it will last until you finally abandon your weapons of judgment, contempt, sarcasm and retaliation. Finally, you give in and surrender to your Higher Power. You begin living in harmony with your true self and you become who you're meant to be. You understand that only love is really; everything else is an illusion. You become ready to receive the precious gifts of acceptance and forgiveness... 

Times of trouble may come, but your inner peace doesn't need to be jeopardized. Things may not be running the way you want them. But your heart can remain joyful no matter what, as you know that nothing lasts forever, and that positive change is on its way. After the rain, the sun shines again. After you've battled uphill for what seems an eternity, you can finally enjoy the effortless downhill ride. Now you can just drift along while everything is falling into place.

With all my love,

Bella

Painting: "Three Pink Flamingos" by Jean Metzinger (1883 - 1956), France

How to Have More Power in Your Life

Power sometimes has a negative connotation as some people believe it's about manipulating others into doing certain things. Yes, power can help you influence others, but not because you're forcing them to follow your point of view. Rather because they want to emulate you as you radiate inner strength and confidence. They want what you've got, but you don't push it onto them.  What is power? It is a positive energy, it is excitement and enthusiasm. The power of persuasion comes from being yourself, as you know who you are and what you want. In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I point out that the first step towards change is to know yourself, to know what's important to you and live your life according to your own values and principles. You are true to your own self and people can sense that you're real and genuine.

True power is the result of taking responsibility for your own life. You stop blaming others and blaming circumstances for whatever you're going through. You make a decision to stop moaning and groaning and complaining. Instead of finding things to criticise, you look for things to be grateful for. You make a decision to take your happiness into your own hands, regardless of what other people are saying or doing. Basically, you stop reacting to everything around you. You might not be the master of your destiny, as a lot of things are our of your control. But you can become the master of your own thoughts, emotions and behaviour, as you're taking your power back into your hands. Willpower is the power of wanting. If you want to change your life, then you have the power to do it. And it is magic because it transforms. It is like spring when everything blossoms. You are ready to give birth to your own new self...

Begin by trusting yourself instead of doubting yourself. Fear stems from the belief that you won't be able to handle certain situations, but if you say to yourself that you can cope with anything, you will be able to do it and you won't be anxious about it any more. You will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. God (or the Universe) never throws anything at you that you can't deal with. But if you have weaknesses (and everyone does), there will be experiences in your life that will help you strengthen these.  In the end, it's to your ultimate benefit that you endure what you have to endure. Something good will come out of it eventually, it's just that you can't see it right now when you're in the middle of it. Don't be a victim of your circumstances, but use them for your growth. Don't blame yourself for making mistakes, but use failure as a stepping stone, a learning opportunity. Look into the future with confidence, as it is not the past that propels you forward, but the hope of good things to come.

With much love,

Bella

Photo by Bella Tindale

How to Disarm Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts create havoc within us, as they produce painful emotions and can even lead to irrational, destructive behaviour. What can we do about these intruders? We have been given many different strategies in our struggle against them.  We have been told to monitor them, and stop them as soon as they pop up. We have been told that any negative thought entering the mind should be treated like a hostile enemy, that we should fight it and disarm it immediately. But this is not always possible. Our thoughts come so fast that it is impossible to monitor them effectively. And our mind is not a fortress surrounded by thick walls. Instead, it is an open space. The more we try to defend it, the more "enemies" seem to seep in... 

A better way to deal with negative thoughts is to avoid treating them like foes. You cannot disarm them by fighting them, as they will just come back even more numerous and stronger. "What you resist will persist". A more gentle and effective approach is to make peace with your negative thoughts. This will take the fear away, the apprehension that wells up as soon as you spot them or even before they arrive. If you're not afraid of something, it ceases to have power over you. As you let go of your fear, your negative thoughts will recede and eventually, they will dwindle away.

It's good to know that we have the ability to create through our thoughts, but it can also be a reason to worry. All this negative stuff I think about, am I going to make it happen? Thoughts with a lot of emotion have more impact, and more creative power than thoughts with little emotion.  But instead of getting panicky, look at the thought with detachment, and don't allow it to stir up feelings within you. It might seem difficult to begin with, but you can do it. Every time the thought comes up, acknowledge it but don't give in to it, don't give it importance, don't invest in it. Don't attempt to suppress it, but don't allow it to grow either. 

Thinking about something negative will not make it come true, especially if you don't want it and you don't believe in it. What you fear the most will never happen. But if you have a negative thought with a lot of emotion, and you allow it to take over your mind, you may also invite trouble into your existence. To overcome this hurdle, look at your thought for what it is: just a thought, nothing more. As for your reaction, your emotion, it is nothing more than a "thought in motion". Mentally stick a label on both thought and emotion and file them away. If the thought comes back, don't worry; it can't harm you any more.

Negative thoughts are just a warning signal, an indication that you need to change something within yourself. Acknowledge them for what they are, without fretting over them. You need to make peace with them to be able to release them, or you'll create a war within yourself. Being at peace with yourself and with others is your ultimate purpose. As soon as you look for enemies, you turn your back on peace and you prepare yourself for battle. But even your foes are your friends as they are your best teachers. Your negative thoughts can teach you a lot about yourself. And it is only by accepting them and appreciating them that you can finally disarm them.

With all my love,

Bella

Painting: "Light Conquers Darkness" by Nicholas Roerich, 1933 (Wikipaintings)

How to Have More Faith in God

This is not a debate whether God exists or not. These debates usually lead nowhere, just one side trying to convince the other side that they're wrong. Every one of us believes in something, or we wouldn't be able to live. We believe that the sun will rise tomorrow. We may argue that science proves that it will indeed rise, but the fact is that we do believe it and it gives us comfort to know that tomorrow is another day... God is a mystery and it's impossible to explain who He is without getting entangled in our own reasoning. But just because I don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I don't understand the Internet, but I can't deny that it exists. 

One step up from believing is knowing. I know I can ride a bicycle; I don't need to prove it. There is no doubt about it in my mind. When it comes to faith, it's the same thing. When we know that there is a God, we don't need to prove it - not to ourselves and not to anyone else. It doesn't matter if others don't share our knowledge. We don't need to convince them. Everyone is different and that's okay. When we accept others as they are and don't attempt to change their beliefs, we feel at peace and we can enjoy our own inner world and convictions.

So how can we have more faith? And why do we need faith in the first place? We need it because it makes life easier. When we put our trust in God or a Higher Power, we're not alone any more. We have someone to turn to in times of trouble. Why do you need a boss? Because if you encounter a difficult problem, a superior is a good person to consult, to get advice and guidance from. A good boss puts teamwork before anything else. God is the same. He wants us to work as a team with Him. To do this, we make a decision to turn our life over to Him. We realise that we can't do it on our own and we surrender. That doesn't mean we give up, on the contrary. We become proactive in our partnership with God. 

To increase your faith, just spend time with God, like you would with a good friend. Don't be afraid to talk to Him and ask Him questions. Submit your requests in the form of prayers. Then you wait for His answers. These will often come to you during quiet times, while enjoying a nature walk, listening to music or meditating. 

Meditation is not difficult or complicated. In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I describe it as a very simple process. All you need to do is make yourself comfortable, focus on your breathing and if your mind begins to wander, you let go of your thoughts and put your focus back on your breathing. You do this for 5 -15 minutes every day and you will see a great improvement in the way you handle stress and your life in general.

If you have an open mind, faith will come to you easily. The secret is to give it a go. You have nothing to lose, everything to gain. Faith will make you accomplish a lot more in your life than you've ever dared to dream.  Nothing will be out of reach any more. Miracles and magic will become a natural part of your experience, as you allow them to touch you and those around you. "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20 

Before you go to sleep tonight or when you wake up in the morning, ask God to be with you at all times. Put all your trust in Him and hand all your problems over to Him. Be confident that He will be there for you. No matter how great your difficulties, there is help out there and it is very easy to access. All you need is a willingness to do it, and a Power beyond anything you can imagine will assist you and direct you on an exciting and rewarding life journey. You will have new hope in your heart and a new purpose.

Thank you for reading this. With love,

Bella

Painting: "Two White Butterflies" by Vincent van Gogh, 1889 (Wikipaintings)

How to Deal with Anger

Anger is not a disease. Anger is energy. It's a natural and healthy expression of an emotional reaction to a situation. It often leads to actions that promote a sense of relief. A physical outlet is appropriate as long as no one gets hurt (for instance, it's good to exercise when you feel upset as it calms you down and helps you think more clearly). Anger can help you defend yourself or your loved ones if you are threatened or attacked. It is also a normal reaction when you witness an injustice (for instance, a big bully beating up on a smaller, weaker person). Just like pain or fear, anger is a danger signal, an alarm bell. It's a warning sign that something is not right.

Anger in itself is not bad; it's a self-preservation mechanism. It only becomes problematic when it is inappropriate, misdirected or exaggerated. The individual who is angry - seemingly without reason - is often angry with himself, so he finds all kinds of things to find fault with in his environment or in the people around him. Anger then is like a chronic condition and causes a lot of pain to this person and his loved ones. Anger can be the expression of an unmet need - and in this case it's useful to find out what is underneath the outburst. When anger takes over and takes control of the individual, it's already too late because reasoning has no impact on that person any more.

Inappropriate anger can lead to violence, not just in the physical sense - emotional abuse is just as harmful as hitting someone. There might not be as much evidence, but the scars are just as deep. What may cause violence is a feeling of powerlessness, of being overwhelmed by too many demands. In the past, women and men had strictly defined roles in society. The man was the breadwinner, and the woman looked after the children and the home. Nowadays these roles are not so well defined, and the lines are blurred between what should be a man's or a woman's responsibility. This is stressful - especially for a man who might be scared of not being able to meet societies expectations. Today it is unrealistic to survive on a single wage, and this means that both men and women have multiple roles. A man fears losing respect by not being able to provide for his family - he may also fear not being "manly" enough. He may fear losing face, being put down or humiliated. His need for admiration and respect is very strong, while a woman's need for unconditional love and appreciation is just as prevailing.

At the root of anger is our fear of being helpless, of being exposed and ridiculed, of not being acknowledged and appreciated, of not being good enough, of not being able to measure up, of being ignored, neglected or unloved. We are scared of not getting what we want or losing what we've got. We fear not having any control over a person or a situation. Anger is a step up from depression and despair, as it gives us a sense of relief. So it can be beneficial for a depressed person to express anger, as long as it is part of the overall process of moving towards a more functional life.

What can we do to prevent anger or to defuse it? In my book "The Magic of Willpower", I explain that we need to look inside and analyse our emotions. We need to become aware of our thought processes and acknowledge them without acting on them. We need to take control of our anger instead of allowing it to control us. When you become a conscious observer of your own self, you will be less likely to be at the mercy of your emotions and behaviour. You will also be less likely to react to someone else's anger. Reacting to anger with anger only makes it worse. But to react to it with understanding and kindness will put a stop to it. Avoid heated discussions. If you need to have a serious talk, do it when you're calm and open to what the other person is saying.

Anger is not a problem in itself, but the way you handle it can be detrimental to yourself and to others. The more you give in to it, the more it will become a destructive habit as you fall into its trap over and over again. It will become an entity of its own, and will grow stronger every time you face a certain situation or every time you have an argument. But if you don't feed it and don't allow it to grow and to have power over you, it will weaken its hold and eventually, you will find that you won't get angry any more, at least not in the sense of losing your temper and losing control over your words and actions.

If you want to change the way you handle anger, feel it but don't react to it. Begin today and you will see a big improvement in your life.

With all my love,

Bella

 Painting; "The Ninth Wave" by Ivan Aivazovsky, 1850 (Wikipaintings)